The Fear Factor

Hello my beautiful fam! How is your 'stuck' Saturday going? Please do go and cast your vote if you have your PVC at hand.
Some thoughts have held my heart since last night and I couldn't think of anything else as I lay on my flat mattress.
Why do I feel something is wrong around the corner? Please don't call me spoilt, I just want to share something I have been observing.

Way back in my teen days, I remember no day passes by without me getting whistles and hellos from the male folks *hides face*. Ok I know it is so wrong for me to even reason this kind of issue or is it not? But now it seems they don't see me anymore I can patrol the full city and no one we care so much as to say hi... Lol. Now that I even dress more 'jazzy' and all. I know it seems crazy or naughty of me to feel this way but I am a lil bit worried *smiles*.

See one time I was getting so much attention from men especially in my university days that I started praying to God to please make me invisible to them. Or is God still working according to that prayer in my life. Please Lord, if that is the case I don't want to be invisible to them any more ooh *crying*, am not getting younger anymore. But Lord if you must make me visible to them let it be to only the eyes of the good and tall guys...Lol.

But there is something else, maybe something is wrong with me, I don't seem to believe in LOVE, funny 'cos my name means Love. I don't know how am gonna get over that. It is not like I have been into horrible relationships...no, just a little of the normal drama you find in a relationship and that is all. I wish I can share the full story here but just can't, maybe it's too personal, maybe. 

I fear I might never get to love someone (any eligible male) completely with all my heart or I don't have to love with all my heart but just love?. I saw some experiences not just in my life or family's when I was still a little girl that made me promise my self I was never gonna get married... childish me!. And some further promises that where I to be in a relationship or marriage I will not in any way take sh*t from my man. Though it seems that promise has left my sub consciousness and consciousness I still don't feel my self free from it. 

I fear being with the wrong guy, fear ending up in a wrong home, and my fear was awakened more at the sight of something I saw happened yesterday which I will share on Monday here. 

The joy I have now lies in the fact that in the midst of all these, God is always there to direct my path anytime am ready to allow him to. Though I just pray am ready sooner than later!  

.........Much love from Love.......